"No, I'm leader of the BPP (Ban the Politician Party). We're a fledgling organisation that believes politicians are the last people on earth who should practice politics.
We undertake, that when in power, we will erase the word politician from all dictionaries, and anyone who refers to themselves as such will be summarily tried by a people's court, and probably executed immediately. We, as a party, do not see the point in messing about.
We believe in turning all greenfield spaces over to agriculture, and we will make it a crime to sell out of season produce, or to import foreign foodstuffs. Self sufficiency is our byword. Golf courses will be exempt from our greenfield rules, as will playing fields and designated dogging sites.
Every encouragement will be given to our fishing fleets, and we will build 50 new Corvettes to protect them when fishing in foreign waters, as who is to say you didn't just drift in on the tide and thought, hmm lovely scallops … yum yum.
We will enact a flat rate of income tax of 15% for every person over the age of 21, and for any size business, it will be 15% of TURNOVER produced in this country, not profit …. wriggle out of that one you scurrilous bastards.
The Road Fund Licence will double, but in return, we will enact a road building and improvement program that ensures the continuity of personal transport. City centres will be demolished, and contain only the football ground/s and associated car parks for that particular city. We will listen to all arguments for London being a devolved independent nation, as lets face it, its got fuck all to do with the rest of the country, has it?
All education up to degree standard will be provided foc, as long as the degree is from a designated Need List, as promulgated by our home owned industries. If you wish to pursue further studies such as Media, American Studies, or some other crap, by all means, fill yer boots, but it'll cost you £20k/term. All foreign students will pay £15K per year irrespective of course, but this will include continental breakfast.
We believe in a visible police presence, and will employ very big policemen in order to ensure this policy is seen to be happening.
Our Border Force will be given powers of arrest, and where necessary, steel toecapped boots when an errant Frenchie needs kicking up his jacksy as he is turned around and told to fuck off whence he came. We, in the BPP, believe in a close relationship with our European neighbours, but no closer than 22 miles of wet stuff. Aeroplanes may land by appointment.
We hope that the above has encouraged you to investigate further, the aims of the BPP. A donation of £25 (Labour must be bonkers only asking £3) will mean you receive our welcome pack, which includes a window sticker, in an attractive colour scheme of black white and red, which enable you to proudly state your adherence to our ethics. You will also be given your own membership number, which upon our election to government, you may proudly tattoo across your forehead."